Days of our lives

It's been a while and I'm rusty around the edges. But the voices in my head have been knocking for a while now, and if I keep them caged any longer, the din will be nauseating. My routine leaves little room for introspection and I've fooled myself into believing that's a good thing.  But then there was a lull, and the voices got the better of me.There's been such a gush of conflicting emotion off-late that I'm still peeling the layers as I speak.

Feeling fortunate doesn't come naturally me. But as it turns out, my otherwise pessimistic mind has turned a corner. Even though the paranoia remains, the guilt seems to have ebbed out and may I daresay, peace seems to have crept in. The happy place seems like its here and not somewhere in neverland. I spotted my haven and voluntarily dropped out of the wild goose chase. Of course it wasn't as simple as it sounds but the anchor played his part to perfection. The pieces of the jigsaw fell into all the right places. My friends notice the glint my eyes and the hope in my voice. It seems so dreamlike that knocking on wood seems like an ideal solution to hold that thought.

Little did I realise that I was innocuously toeing the thin line between inner peace and complacency and that my fickle mind would give in to the temptation of confusing one with the other. In one swift mood swing, I'm jolted back into familiar territory. The Q&A begins. Who am I? Pat comes the reply - Another face in the crowd. Have I made an iota of a difference in the most critical years of life? The answer remains an emphatic NO! And the tirade continues on those lines for hours until I reach the climax with the most consequential question of them all. What can I do to change this deeply entrenched sense of mediocrity? I refuse to give in to this question without a fight. I know this is my chance to redeem myself. I feel  momentary relief at the thought that redemption is still an option. As I start to count my options, I realise I'm drawing a blank. The options seem huddled up at the fag end of obscurity but I know they exist. I try to clear the haze but the hour takes a toll and my eyes give in to the exhaustion.

I wake up the next morning with heightened sense of resentment. I blame it on the proverbial 'Monday morning blues' and rush into my weekly routine!

The year that was..

It's that time of the year again.The time for goodbyes.The roller coaster seems to be braking and I'm already feeling the jitters. I'm trying hard to pen down this sudden surge of emotion. Pent up emotion.

Back in the halcyon days, the socialist in me craved for action. Action is overrated. If he was around, he'd say "I told you so". The adrenalin rush when you're at it keeps you going through thick, thin and everything in between. Once the party's over the latent exhaustion hits. And boy does it hurt. The last one year has seen me through a fair share of action and the law of averages says its time to hibernate.

It's a whole new world here. Insulated from the travails of the real world.The good, the bad and the ugly all nestled up in 4 acres of land. Where plagiarism is the resident evil and grades wreak havoc in the days of our lives. Lunatics who cant tell dawn from dusk roam the corridors at hours termed "godforsaken" by the outsiders. Where any semblance of sanity is a remote possibility.

The transition from a life of complete disarray to the proverbial '9-6' is the cause of worry in this MBA contingent. Living it was fun. Ending it, a nightmare. Who knows where we all land up.Hopefully the promises (of keeping in touch) made at fuzzy hours, by bleary eyes in drunken disorder will hold.

As the goodbyes start rolling in, I'm a mixed bag of emotions. What hangs in the balance is the bittersweet memories from a place that eventually turned out to be my support system on the one hand and the overwhelming urge to unsnarl a deranged life on the other. Irrespective of which way the balance swings, memoirs of the year that was will remain etched in my repertoire forever.

Fade to Black

So much has changed since the last time I blogged, that words seem like a shallow substitute for feelings now. But I shall try nevertheless. I think I will contradict my first blog in this one. The glass is neither empty nor full. Life is precariously poised, confused which way to tilt. For the better or for the worse. I probably wouldn't know the difference. The lines separating the good from the bad from the ugly seem blurred.

Someone up there read my first post and decided to show me who exactly was in control. Apparently no one challenges life and comes out smiling.Or broken for that matter. Just numb. No one invites the wrath and stands a chance of survival. Life plays you and you play along. All the way thinking you're the one in control. Wish there was an easier way to crossover from naive to blase.

Maybe life will turn a corner. Maybe it wont. Maybe the secret will hold true. Maybe, like most philosophies, its just a fallacy. Maybe the hoops and the bends will disappear and life will boring again. Wishful thinking.


Life is moving at the speed of sound. But the fear is when the music stops, I'll be caught offguard. offguard as always but what used to be a challenge is now a nightmare. The zeal to uncover what lies beneath is now a fear of uncovering a new bitter truth.

You don't change at the same rate at which life does. And life does not wait for you to regain your balance. In the gap between as is and to be you twist and turn, shout and squirm and eventually succumb to the powers that be.

This kid in the candy store just figured he'd lost the guiding hand. They say, the sooner the better. But this way you're scarred longer. The dark and twisty corridors haunt you longer. The angels disappear, the demons surface and real life seems so much more sinister. And eventually, the bitter gets the better of you.

India Votes

I have turned over a new leaf. So currently I am following the 'bright side of life' principle thanks to this inspiring book called 'The Secret'. So inspite of the fact that Terrorism is at its hilt, Countries ( If you can call the current failed state of Pakistan that ) so close to home seem to be losing the much talked about 'War on Terror', Economies world over have ebbed out and Job cuts are a sob story for another day, I am going to stick out my neck and talk of something positive.

India goes to vote in a month from now. Well, usually I am not so gung ho about the current crop of politicians that we are forced to select from or elect for that matter. But it helps to be in the company of learned people. So here goes the story.As usual I was being ostensibly condescending ( like the so called well informed 'urban' youth of today) about the state of Indian politics and how voting this year would be another failed attempt at reviving a slain dream. With limited knowledge as my only armour I set out to list the shortcomings of the two pillars of of Indian politics.

So BJP with its hindutva rhetoric and rath yatras never appealed to me. And with VHP ( sole defendants of Hindu Culture) and other moral policing parties as their allies they're out of the running for me. Congress with the holy trinity of Women power, Experience and Youth ( Sonia Gandhi, Manmohan Singh and Rahul Gandhi ) is good for pre election smooth talk. But the ground reality is 4 years of power and they haven't delivered. Terror is quite literally at our doorstep, Economic reforms are at a standstill and our neighbours, both Pakistan and China now think of us as a spineless nation mirroring the image projected by the incumbent Govenment.

So these are the two behemoths. Along with them come the allies which actually pull the strings. The Amar Singhs who have taken Politics to new lows. The Prakash Karats who have the ideology, but left (punn intended) to them we would actually be going backwards. The Mayawatis who still play caste politics and win votes. "This is the dismal state of Indian politics", I said and ended my diatribe.

"These are all facts" said the more experienced of the two of us. "But facts and figures often obscure the big picture. Barack Obama, a Black became the US President 45 years after Martin Luther King made his famous 'I have a dream' speech. That is the magic of democracy. A democracy makes the unthinkable possible. 70% of India is rural. The efficacy of our politicians cannot be gauged by how soon Mumbai can be converted to Shanghai but how soon our villages can be empowered. The very fact that Mayawati can come up from dalit beginnings to now become an epitome of hope in UP signifies a change in ideology. BJP is soon realising its hackneyed 'hindutva' formula appeals to not more than a handful of goons and is fast fomulating alternate strategies to reach out to the larger hoi polloi. Congress has bunch of young guns who with some experience might actually start making a difference. So as long as 'We the People' know what we want as a nation, these venal, power thirsty public servants can only oblige. The wheels are in motion and India will continue to progress with the occassional snag from the backward forces. That, my friend, is a democracy and our biggest strength. " And thus he rested his case and gave me my reason to vote.

So even though China beats us to GDP and Pakistan to terrorist outfits ,a democratic, multi-ethnic, secular India is an idea that belongs to the future. Wake up and smell the coffee, you might just be a part of history in the making.

True Lies & Hope

Well as usual i'd like to draw a parallel between the happenings around the world and my personal life but sadly the world events make my happening life seem rather uneventful. Ofcourse destiny decided to pee all over my 'New Year in Goa plans' and cruely end my 2 month long hiatus. I could go on whining about that through the length of this blog but my 'Expect the Unexpected' theme has now become so trite that it no longer makes for interesting reading.


So i'll talk about what everyone else seems to be talking about. 2 men. One, the harbinger of hope. The other, a doomsayer who spells trouble for crores of people around the globe. While millions around the world watched with renewed faith the coronation of Barack Hussein Obama, our very own Ramalingam Raju managed to become the most searched man on the internet , thanks to his version of 'Confessions of a dangerous mind'.

The financial cookie had crumbled a few months back and before the dust settled on the troubled Wall Street casualties, Raju came out with his shocking revellations. Ofcourse he's guilty. But just to play devils advocate, to me he seems like the guy who has been caught holding the parcel when the music stopped. I find it very hard to believe that the rest of the celebrated directors were napping while Raju swindled thousands of crores under their noses.The whole thing seems like a farce. The scam, the players, the investigations. The only thing thats eroding faster than my interest in this Satyam saga is probably the balance sheets of the behemoth. Frankly, Corporate India seems to have lost its sheen and also my keen interest.

Now, for something that is of consequence.For some, Barack Obama is all hype. And they wait with bated breath for him to be done in by all the hype. Personally, I am willing to bet my money on him.The colour of his skin is irrelevant to me but his speeches reinforce my belief in the political leaders of today. Ofcourse I hope there is more to him than just his oratory skills. He may not be the messiah but he personifies a change in an era. His timing is perfect. Anti Incumbency (political jargon) is at an all time high, thanks to our man, the erstwhile President Bush. For me, the election this year was a catharsis of sorts (and hence legendary) . So as Obama settles into his new role under the watchful eye of a world waiting to be lead, I cross my fingers and hope for an Indian Obama to raise our hopes in this slough of despond.

Life in a Metro

New Year resolutions seem to have come a month in advance for a country currently seething with the aftermath of the recent terrorist attacks. Amidst slogans of 'Enough is Enough' and 'War on terror' lies the underlying resolve to do something. That something has now become my worst nightmare.

Someone once said it's best to realize your worst nightmare. Because then you can only move one way and that's upwards. To me it made complete sense until the recent turn of events brought terror to my door step. I always believed when your worst dream comes true, you realize its not so bad after all and along with it comes the strength to deal with it. But now all those beliefs and all those cliches have been put to test.

And sadly i see them failing. At least in this one off case where the nightmare just doesn't end. And each time you think 'this too shall pass' it rams into you like a bullet, shattering all those newly adjusted beliefs after your last nightmare. Maybe it's also the sickness talking but personally i feel both helpless and hapless. More than the terror it's this pang of despair I am fighting.

Everything that had to be said about the terrorist attacks has already been said and delving further would only trivialize a reality that bites. And bites not just those who have been affected directly but the rest of us who seem to be standing next in the line of fire. The Intelligence (A concept i fail to understand ) has been caught napping, the netas have been caught off guard, the public and the media have been awakened. May I dare say, I see a silver lining in this atmosphere of gloom and impending doom.

If i had the conviction of Barack Obama I would say 'Yes we can' . But the cynical side of me doesn't allow me to mistake this transitory semblance of a national awakening to be a longstanding reality. Though i wait in anticipation to be proved wrong.

Caprice of fate

So here am on a saturday morning posting my first blog. I wanted to do this for a while but never really got round to doing it.But fate has its own way of fulfilling our demands. So think twice before hoping and wishing even to yourself because you never know how and when your wish might come true. Infact it'll come and bite you in the ass just when you're least expecting it.

So cut to a couple of months back when i thought my glass was half empty and nothing seemed to swing my way. While i was grappling with a sucky work life and crashing MBA dreams, i often found myself complaining about lack of time to do things i love doing. Reading, for instance had taken a back seat.

But tough times don't last forever and by some quirk of fate the MBA dream materialized into reality. The timing seemed perfect. All of a sudden life was smiling back at me. But i've learnt to take all good things with a pinch of salt. It all seemed too good to be true. I would have loved to believe i had worked hard for it and deserved every bit of it. But i had learnt better than that in the last few years of my adult life.

Of course i had expected a glitch somewhere along the way but a hurdle still seemed far fetched.
I think i underestimated the twists and turns there are in this long windy road called life. It turned around so fast that now i have all the time in the world. But life isn't cruel. Its got plenty of hoops for us to jump. But thats where the fun lies. Everyone loves a happy ending. Happy endings are boring. A bit of calamity, now thats the stuff that makes it interesting.

So whoever said "No one can escape the caprice of fate" wasn't kidding. So even though MBA dreams are lurking somewhere in the background, for now the glass is still half full. Unless ofcourse destiny decides to take another unexpected turn and catch me on unfamiliar territory again.